RULES FOR DATING A FEMALE NASCAR FAN

Before I agree to date you and only you, you must read and agree to all statements in this contract. By signing this you take full responsibility to ensure all rules are followed. By not signing this agreement, dating exclusively is null and void.
This contract is NON-NEGOTIABLE!

If you stop insulting stock car racing and concede that it is a real sport, that it takes talent and skill, I will stop calling your WWE wrestling a bad soap opera with untalented actors.
However, I won't stop thinking it

If you take a genuine interest in racing, I will be more than happy to help you gain an intimate understanding of the sport.

Events and activities are to be planned AROUND NASCAR races. So learn the race schedule. Under special circumstances (this may not apply) However, If I will miss a race it must be taped using TWO VCRs (just in case one fails). NO special circumstances will be considered for the following races: Daytona 500, either race at Talladega and the Bristol night race! If I am not watching them via satellite then I will be at the track watching them.

You already know the normal holidays.....Easter, Christmas, Thanksgiving. I have 2 other holidays: Speed Weeks and Daytona. These holidays WILL be observed! (All vacation days will be consumed with Nascar events. ) (If you want a tropical vacation, Nascar stops over in Miami. If you want a destination in the snow, Bristol has a likelihood.

During a race I DO NOT accept phone calls. No matter how many times you call.... I will NOT answer.

If we are watching a race together...please observe the following rules: Do not touch the remote, television, receiver, or VCR. Doing so will result in serious injury or worse. Do not talk during the race...Duct tape will be used if necessary. You must sit a minimum of five feet away from me. This is partially for your own safety. If you are in a romantic mood, don't attempt to share it with me. Take a cold shower until the race is over. (If you really want to make points with me, make sure there is a cold one in my hand at all time. Caution shots are greatly appreciated.

While couples usually share things, there are some things that are off limits. My racing apparel is off limits....DO NOT TOUCH IT!

While you may find Jamaica a romantic vacation spot, I find Bristol, Talladega, Charlotte, and anywhere that has race shops or tracks romantic spots.

When I take my vacation, I will be visiting one or more of the places mentioned above.

If we break up and there is stuff to be divided, you can have back anything you gave me with the exception of any racing related items.
You may keep anything I gave you, with the exception of racing related items

In the event we move in together, I will require one room to display my NASCAR stuff....The smallest room will not be acceptable.

If it comes down to a choice between you and racing......racing will win. (Don't try it.... no amount of love is greater than that of racing.... you will fail miserably)

If the opportunity arises that I can get tickets to the Bristol race under the lights, complete with garage access, I will do anything for them.

If it requires your assistance, you will do anything to ensure I get them